» Comics - Issue 4 - June 26th, 2012, 9:13 pm

Average Rating: 5.00

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Author's Comments:

Mist the Moonhunter, June 26th, 2012, 9:18 pm ( Reply )

- derp da derpppppp



-it's
it*

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Amy's Bitches' Comments:



 
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Fuck. I feel like a total jerk for criticizing one of my favorite comics - but eff it, you've done it plenty times before Mist - plus it's 5 am in the morning and I'm sleepy.

First off, I'm gonna mention the good stuff because really, I'm a nice person. I think in comparison to your original version of this comic, it's greatly improved in presentation, plus the story has a better pace instead of just forcing melodramatic stuff down the audience's throats even though the comic was originally meant to be a comedy. I still have a problem with the expressions, mainly with the mouth piece, but the last panel was done pretty well and the fact that we cannot see the hooded guy's face makes him all the more intimidating (even though it's obviously you, Mist). I do miss your old drawings though. You might not be the best artist, but I really like your art style (especially how it was done in A Switch in Reality).

What I like personally is that the comic knows what it's trying to be this time around, but I think it's taking itself a little too seriously still. The dialogue doesn't seem all that natural for me. It suits the hooded guy's character fine, but Amy just sounds too... what's the word -- a little too serious, and too controlled for someone who's so pissed off, frustrated, & angry.

"Mate, the second you started talking shit about Sonic, it became my concern."

Again, it sounds like something Shadow or Sonic would say in a bad mood. While feeling slightly angsty over recent events, the two male hedgehogs would still try to keep their cool (and hide the fact that there's something wrong) when suddenly being encountered by a suspicious hooded man.
That's how men act. Men are naturally this level-headed, just as they can be impetuous dumb asses sometimes (particularly Knuckles, for example). They'd rather die than show weakness before their enemies.

Amy, is not. We seem to be forgetting that she's 12 years old, and a fucking girl. True, girls can be whiny emotional bitches at around this age (mostly cause they're this close to puberty when they start going through a menstrual cycle *hint hint*), but again, Amy is also slightly air headed and extremely emotionally vulnerable (as referenced in the earlier pages), so in a situation like this, she'd be slightly frightened and at least smart enough to know that something's not right, but at the same time - very annoyed at the fact that some mysterious stranger is stalking on her personal life.

In comparison to the previous page, Amy's reaction to seeing said guy was more realistic. I think the issue is that you wrote these pages at separate times without relying on the earlier page, or you just wrote the story as you went along.

tl;dr version:
You portrayed Amy as a Sonic-obsessed Rouge the bat on her period. Also, the dialogue is laughably melodramatic (which was my biggest problem with the original version of the comic). Really, I don't have a problem with the dialogue because the writing is a lot better in terms of others comics I've seen, but it has to vary depending on who's saying what as a response to another's statement.

Here's how I'd write it:
"W-wait... how did you--?"
"How do I know that Sonic's been ignoring you lately? Well now, wasn't it obvious? It's written all over your face."
"Hey, cut that out! I don't even know who you are, and-- So what if I am? It shouldn't matter to you!"
"Should it not, really? Isn't it a big enough threat that you may one day inevitably lose Sonic? I'm willing to offer my services, perhaps keep that sort of thing from happening, if you're interested."
"No thanks! I don't take romantic advice from strangers - plus, you're kind of creepy with that hood over you, bub."
*rest of the dialogue stays the same for the page, because seriously, it adds to the suspense and you did a pretty good job with that* (Then again, it's not my comic, I have no idea how the guy's gonna be for the rest of the storyline sooo... fuck).

I really like how you write comedy and write intimidating characters, Mist - your weak point just happens to be with drama. Put that comedic value into good use and give the comic a nice balance of dark situations and light-hearted dialogue. Otherwise, yeah.

I'm done lecturing you now. :|

posted by Irene the SeedrianRabbit on June 27th, 2012, 4:13 am





 
( Reply )

...


Bully!


All jokes aside, most of what you said is correct. As for expressions I'm going to be messing around with them since, I'm also not happy with them, trying to find a decent style to settle on.

By the way, I'm impressed you could write that much. Especially when I only have 4 comics yet. XD

"I do miss your old drawings though. You might not be the best artist, but I really like your art style (especially how it was done in A Switch in Reality)."

Drawings weren't done by me.


Also

"think the issue is that you wrote these pages at separate times without relying on the earlier page, or you just wrote the story as you went along."

I Wrote them at separate, times yes. Now that you've pointed that out I can see the issue.


Thanks for the sleepy 5.AM angry criticism. :D



BTW, no longer have a spell checker.
Slightly worried.

posted by Mist the Moonhunter on June 28th, 2012, 3:18 am



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